This has been a fun week to say the least. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I came in contact with Scott Kenemore, one of the funniest zombie authors I’ve ever read, and I made chocolate chip cookies (which, by the way, were delicious). Now some of you might be thinking, “Jack, you? A mild-mannered, boring, humorless S.O.B who wouldn’t know comedy or fame if they busted the tail lights of your minivan? How on earth did you convince anyone to actually speak with you? Well, it was simple. It involved an ancient, long-forgotten technique previously known as “asking nicely.” Now, for some of you, (and by some of you, I mean you Tom, you) this might be a somewhat abstract concept, so I’m not asking you to understand my methods, only to accept their results. It took some effort (and by effort, I mean Google-ing), and after a week of searching (and by week, I mean 3 Google searches) I found Scott’s blog. Immediately after finding his email in the back corners of the “Contact” tab (and by back corners, I mean on the top-ish of the page), I typed up an email, trying meagerly to hide my excitement, and then prayed to god that he’d receive it well. In an action I’ll never fully understand, whether out of pride or pity, Scott answered my brief set of somewhat poorly written interview questions, and the following is a post based around those questions and his responses. You are now reading:
Jack’s Highly Classified Zombie Survival Guide: DOUBLE FEATURE!
Jack: “Would you rather have a zombie weapon with a blade (i.e. and Ax) or with a barrel (i.e. a Shotgun/Handgun/Sniper gun...)?”
Scott: “I would rather have a zombie weapon that explodes. Homemade Molotov cocktails, for example. . .”
Amen Scott, amen. As much as I love my guns, knives, and wicked weapons of wickedness, a Molotov cocktail is definitely a weapon of terrifying……wickedness. Anyways, the Molotov is an amazing weapon, and as far as homemade weapons go, it’s as good as it gets. A do-it-yourself hand grenade that doubles as a poor man’s incendiary explosive is great by any standards. There is very little on earth (short of a cockroach) that can withstand one of these things head on (‘cause, ya know, cockroaches are tough little creeps). Despite its effectiveness, the one issue that keeps it from being epic is the fact that it’s still (like the shotgun……and cockroaches) designed for the sole purpose of screwing shit up. It lacks versatility, but you can’t deny that, as far as homemade explosives go, nothing beats the Molotov.
Jack: “If you could pick one thing to take with you from your house in the event of the zombie apocalypse, what would you bring and why?”
Scott: “I'd bring the giant meat cleaver I bought in Chinatown. The reason for this selection should be obvious, I think...”
Well, it needs to be said, so I might as well say it; what is pictured above, is not a meat cleaver bought in Chinatown. I know, I know, everyone’s disappointed, and I apologize for that, but there are times when a man has to do his own thing. There are also times when a man decides to stay up until 4:30 in the morning playing Global Agenda instead of working on his Friday post, wakes up in the morning and realizes he has absolutely no time to finish the project the way he intended to (care to guess which time this is?). Having said that, we’re going to talk about the Machete, in a post I’d previously written, and intended to put up last Monday.
So, the Machete, as iconic as the Fire Ax and Shotgun combined, there is very little that beats this weapon. It wouldn’t have two separate variants on Zombie Tools if it wasn’t the single most awesome zombie slashing tool on the face of the earth. There is very little that beats this weapon when it comes to sheer cutting power. Not only that, but because of its relatively small size and weight (compared to, ya know, everything else) it can be carried anywhere, used anywhere, and make you look like a badass everywhere. However despite general awesomeness, the Machete (like, ya know, everything else) has its drawbacks. The first, and most dominant, is versatility. Like the shotgun (and…wait for it……cockroaches) it’s designed for a purpose; of which the Machete’s is hacking limbs to the shotguns…well…we’ve been over this. Point being, the Machete’s still carries an acceptable amount of weight behind it, being both usable and accessible, it’s absolutely a must have for anyone who wants to live through the first week of the apocalypse (or a camping trip to hell*)
P.S. A big thank-you to Scott, if only for taking the time...