Monday, September 19, 2011

Chef Stuff: The Fire Ax

The Chef:   
          The gear here is sharp, quick, and has the Kentucky-Fried guarantee to disembowel anything that limps within a 6 foot radius or your person.   There’s no technique here beyond knowing which end is pointy, and how hard you want to swing.  Simple, deadly, and incredibly low maintenance, the tools here create an image of carnage and awesomeness singing a duet at your local nightclub.

          There are few tools/weapons as iconic as the Fire Ax. It goes without saying that a badass, ax-wielding survivor is a requirement in any good zombie flick. Zombies and bladed death-machines like this one go together like peanut-butter and jelly, or peanut butter and crackers, or 2001: A Space Odyssey and permanent brain damage. Even in the real world, this killing tool of immense epicness is one of the most effective pieces of equipment in your crotchety, racist neighbor's arsenal (see "Exploding Stuff"). For the purpose of comparing one weapon to another, I've taken the liberty of using complex mathematical, logical, logistical, and logarithmic equations to rate each weapon based on the product of its usability, accessibility, and versatility. The resulting number is its Survival Score (synonymous with "Rating of Awesomeness"). In this case, the Fire Ax is definitely one of the most effective Zombie Weapons on the planet.

           For example, say you're in an abandoned warehouse. Now, unlike that time you were stuck in Hell (Montana), you came prepared. After learning your lesson from the last time, you dumped the FF comics out of your backpack into a giant pile on the floor. You then proceeded to burn that pile to a heap of smoldering ash, laughing maniacally all the while. You traded out the Fiber One for some Three Musketeers, and filled all the space you had left with glow sticks, machetes, guns, ammunition, explosives, guns, a few more Three Musketeers, a flashlight, bite-proof clothing, more guns and a Fire Ax. Now looking like the epic love child of Mad Max (as in "The" Mad Max) and Eli (as in "The Book of..."), you are literally oozing badassery out of your pores. There is literally nothing in the world you can't take down. This is all (in case you didn't know) because of the Fire Ax. So when cousin Billy (whom you never really liked in the first place) is running at you, you can cut him down without a second thought (infected or not, with Billy, it's better not to take any chances).

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