Friday, September 16, 2011

Exploding Stuff

The basic rules, principles and techniques of epic guns and kickass explosions.
          Now that we’ve covered knives, swords, and when you should/shouldn’t use them, let’s get to the stuff you really care about; The Showman (or “Michael Bay”)

          There are very few problems on earth that can’t be solved by the careful application of guns, high explosives, and guns that shoot high explosives.  Therefore it is extremely important to have access to all of those when defending yourself from an army of darkness.  Now, you may be thinking, “Jack, I’m just a normal, white, middle class suburbanite living in a nice neighborhood in a two store house with a white picket fence with my 2.5 kids in the middle of the American Midwest.  Where am I supposed to find things like shotguns and nitroglycerine?”  Never fear my friend, for if you truly are living in the American Midwest, I guarantee you that at least one of your crotchety, racist old neighbors are exercising their second amendment rights; so when they inevitably die soon after the infection spreads due to their inability to live without social security, it will be perfectly okay to raid their garages for enough ammunition to turn god-mode on and never turn it off.

          The most important thing one should understand about The Showman is that it is completely unsafe.  Seriously, if you have any sense of personal safety, this is not for you.  You have to physically override every survival instinct you have.  Having said that, it’s also so much fun!  Seriously, if you’ve ever just wanted to light something on fire just to see what would happen, this is absolutely for you.  If you were that older brother who strapped his little sister’s Barbie dolls to bottle rockets just for sadistic pleasure, The Showman was designed specifically for you!  Survivability aside, there are a few things that must be made clear; your end-goal should always be survival.  However, where The Chef prefers survival that looks something like a field domination and final score of Humans: 5.7 Billion-Zombies: 0, The Showman looks more like an epic fourth quarter win after coming back from a half-time drop of somewhere around 1 million points.  Ideally, your chance of living is slim, but your chance of complete awesomeness, has never been higher.

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