Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Introduction 'n' Stuff

          Let’s say you’re alone, in the dark, around 2:30 in the morning in the middle of the woods of Montana, and surrounded by zombies.  Now, there’s obviously a lot wrong with your current situation, firstly; you’re in the middle of the most god-forsaken part of the most god-forsaken state in the country, and secondly; you’re alone.  As a good rule of thumb, you carry your backpack everywhere you go.  As a bad habit, you fill said backpack with Fiber One oat bars and your Fantastic Four comic collection.  Naturally, your incredible lack of foresight, poor comic choice, and inability to fend off the demonic, flesh hungry horde with only a few oatmeal raisin nut sticks, you are quickly eaten alive.
          Now imagine what it would have been like if you had actually filled that backpack with more than just the bare essentials.  Would your fate have been any different if you had a sawed-off shotgun attached to the side strap?  Or a Bowie knife in the front pocket?  These are things that must always be considered before one takes a trip to Montana(hereafter referred to as Hell) after CNN tells the world that the dead have decided that their coffins weren’t roomy enough.  My name is Arnold Jacobi Windheim Anderson Carpenter IV, or “Jack,” and it’s my unofficial job to explain to you the right weapons, and the right ways to put dearly departed grandpa Ernie (and his entire bingo club) back where they belong.  You are now reading:

Jack’s Highly Classified Zombie Survival Guide

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