Friday, September 16, 2011

Sharp Stuff

Pointy things, why you should have them, and which ones you should have.
          The most defining characteristic of The Chef is that it’s flexible, and adaptable.  Anyone can become a Chef through the careful application of kitchen knives and/or samurai swords.  Essentially speaking, so long as it has a blade, you can use almost anything to put together your own undead re-murdering kit.  It should be made clear though that there are two types of blades; the kind that have reach, and the kind that (applied incorrectly) will get you killed. 
          For example, when Aunt Jennie is coming at you with Uncle Bob’s intestines falling from her mouth, and covered from head to 60’s mini-skirt in blood and zombie juice, you don’t want to get any closer to her than you have to (you never wanted to in the first place, but it’s especially more so now).  In this specific case, you do not want to be armed with a chipped Miracle Blade left over from when your mom was on her telemarketer kick.  You want something with reach.  Meaning a fire ax, a chopping ax, a throwing ax, a freaking hatchet, etc.  Reach means not only that you’ll be able to keep Aunt Jennie back, but also that each strike will have a reasonable amount of momentum behind it.  Momentum means force, and force means cutting power, and cutting power means Aunt Jennie’s double chin’s gonna become single real fast.
          However, one shouldn’t rely on being able to constantly go medieval on the undead, because we all know that there will be times when six foot tall claymores (more on them later) will not be as effective as your 1 ½ foot long machete.  Say you’re in an elevator at your local library, and Sally Sue, branch manager, is stuck in there with you.  Now she’s trying to eat your brain, and naturally, being a sane, normal, uninfected survivor, that’s the last thing you want.  If you had a three foot long fire ax in the elevator with you, it’s gonna be difficult to swing that thing around hard enough to finish things before they finish you.  It’s for reasons like that to be prudent and logical about your choice of weaponry.  If you’re going to be fighting in broom closets and small hallways, than you might not want to be carrying that katana around.  If you’re fighting in your local state park, by all means, bring the katana.  If you’re fighting in both kinds of environments, bring everything, preparation is key.

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