Friday, September 23, 2011

Showman Stuff: Shotguns, specifically the Mossberg 500 series, Part 1

The Showman (or the “Michael Bay”):  
          Top of the line tech that blurs the line between performance and pleasure, the equipment here is designed for one thing, and one thing only:  to create the biggest spectacle on the face of the earth, regardless of effectiveness, cost, or personal safety.  If you want to have the most fun you have ever had in your life, with the intense possibility of dying young, then the Showman is made for you…and the enjoyment of everyone who’s ever known you.

          Let’s assume for a second that zombies feel fear.  Let’s also assume that they can think.  Now let’s say that you’re alone, facing a wall of rotting retirement home nurses.  Let’s assume that they see you, standing there, with a 400 round bandolier, and the Mossberg 590 over your shoulder (‘cause, ya know, you’re a badass).  Now, taking all current assumptions into consideration, how scared shitless do you think these undead waste-of-spaces are? Very scared shitless, that’s how.  Unfortunately, these are assumptions, and we all know what happens when you assume right?  You get your brain eaten by your undead grandma, that’s what.
          So let’s assume that zombies are still stupid, and they’re running at you in a giant slobbering mass.  Now you’re standing at the end of a long, thin hallway, (an ideal choke point) with your 400 round bandolier and the Mossberg 590 over your shoulder (‘cause, ya know, you’re still a badass).  Now, taking all that into consideration, how much ass do you think you can kick with a classic spread weapon, more ammunition and willpower than the Punisher and a complete lack of bubble gum?  A ton of ass, that’s how much.  Fortunately, these are facts, not assumptions, so you can sleep in peace knowing that Jimmy the Zombie is lying on the floor in a puddle of zombie blood minus everything from the waist up.
          There are few weapons that’ve appeared more often in epic zombie tales than the shotgun.  Like the fire ax, this is a must-have for any zombie survival flick.  There is nothing nearly as satisfying as watching a zombie’s head explode like a balloon of brain, blood, guts, skin, head lice, and dandruff (Imagine Scanners, except zombies).  The shotgun is definitely one of the most effective mid-range weapons for blasting the undead into tiny, tiny, tiny pieces.

          However, despite its non-negotiable, self-evident awesomeness, there are still a few minor issues with the shotgun.  The first is that it’s not a very versatile weapon.  However, what it lacks in ultimate situational potential, it sure as hell makes up for in ultimate situational epicness.  The second issue is the fact that, at the end of the day, the weapon runs on ammunition, and at the end of the day, we all know that you will run out of ammunition; this (no matter how disappointing) is an important fact of life.  But despite these small hiccups, one can’t overlook the fact that this weapon, regardless of versatility, was designed for a job, and damn, does it do its job well.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Zombie Eye: Almost Relevant Writings

Welcome to Hell, or "Zombie Eye." As it stands, it's a bi-weekly column of barely relevant stuff that has no bearing whatsoever in survival, or anything else for that matter. Just pure, clean, crystal-clear stupidity operating at its finest, churning out the randomnesses that are these Almost Relevant Writings.

Why the Zombie Apocalypse will save America (and the world):

          There are an incredible amount of things wrong with this country. Taxes, national debt, poverty, war, auto insurance, the fact that Linkin Park hasn’t released a good album since Meteora , Saturday morning cartoons going down the porcelain express ever since Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends was taken off the air, not to mention Texas. If this doesn’t prove to you that society has hit rock bottom, then watch Good Morning America every now and then and you’ll realize how deep of a hole we’re in.
So yeah, we definitely have got problems, but the answer to them all however, cannot be found in books, money, and sure as hell not in Michele Bachmann. The solution is in your local cemetery rotting away 6 feet under. A radical destabilization of the government through the means of a demonic attack of flesh hungry undead is the only way to save this nation (and the world) from running out of oil, polluting the environment, and Elton John (he’d be the first to go).

          Now I know a few of you must be thinking, “Jack, you sound like one of them no-good, dirty, Red, soviet, anarchist, atheist, terrorist-type people. What you’re saying is obviously blasphemy against this Constitution of these United States of America (which was written in the sacred blood of George Washington after he defeated the 31st Balloon Brigade of General Cornwallis). I’d bet you listen to Jimi Hendrix backwards while clutching to a satanic bible in the warmth of a burning star-spangled banner.” To which I say, “You must be the crotchety, racist neighbor I was telling everyone about. Better run to Canada while you still have the chance. Now get out of my face, you’re blocking all the heat.” We can wait for this country to fix itself, or we can wait for the apocalypse to fix it for us. Personally, I’m all for the latter; just standing here, waiting in endless defiance for the undead to repair my shoddy credit score.

          Now that I’ve insulted people who take pride in the country, people who watch cartoon network, Elton John, Good Morning America, and the entire population of Texas, and my one reader in Germany, you (if you’re still here) should head over to the Misleading Movie Hit-list, where my buddy Tommy will tear apart your childhood memories. Scratch that, Hollywood’s doing it for him.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Chef Stuff: The Fire Ax

The Chef:   
          The gear here is sharp, quick, and has the Kentucky-Fried guarantee to disembowel anything that limps within a 6 foot radius or your person.   There’s no technique here beyond knowing which end is pointy, and how hard you want to swing.  Simple, deadly, and incredibly low maintenance, the tools here create an image of carnage and awesomeness singing a duet at your local nightclub.

          There are few tools/weapons as iconic as the Fire Ax. It goes without saying that a badass, ax-wielding survivor is a requirement in any good zombie flick. Zombies and bladed death-machines like this one go together like peanut-butter and jelly, or peanut butter and crackers, or 2001: A Space Odyssey and permanent brain damage. Even in the real world, this killing tool of immense epicness is one of the most effective pieces of equipment in your crotchety, racist neighbor's arsenal (see "Exploding Stuff"). For the purpose of comparing one weapon to another, I've taken the liberty of using complex mathematical, logical, logistical, and logarithmic equations to rate each weapon based on the product of its usability, accessibility, and versatility. The resulting number is its Survival Score (synonymous with "Rating of Awesomeness"). In this case, the Fire Ax is definitely one of the most effective Zombie Weapons on the planet.

           For example, say you're in an abandoned warehouse. Now, unlike that time you were stuck in Hell (Montana), you came prepared. After learning your lesson from the last time, you dumped the FF comics out of your backpack into a giant pile on the floor. You then proceeded to burn that pile to a heap of smoldering ash, laughing maniacally all the while. You traded out the Fiber One for some Three Musketeers, and filled all the space you had left with glow sticks, machetes, guns, ammunition, explosives, guns, a few more Three Musketeers, a flashlight, bite-proof clothing, more guns and a Fire Ax. Now looking like the epic love child of Mad Max (as in "The" Mad Max) and Eli (as in "The Book of..."), you are literally oozing badassery out of your pores. There is literally nothing in the world you can't take down. This is all (in case you didn't know) because of the Fire Ax. So when cousin Billy (whom you never really liked in the first place) is running at you, you can cut him down without a second thought (infected or not, with Billy, it's better not to take any chances).