Friday, September 23, 2011

Showman Stuff: Shotguns, specifically the Mossberg 500 series, Part 1

The Showman (or the “Michael Bay”):  
          Top of the line tech that blurs the line between performance and pleasure, the equipment here is designed for one thing, and one thing only:  to create the biggest spectacle on the face of the earth, regardless of effectiveness, cost, or personal safety.  If you want to have the most fun you have ever had in your life, with the intense possibility of dying young, then the Showman is made for you…and the enjoyment of everyone who’s ever known you.

          Let’s assume for a second that zombies feel fear.  Let’s also assume that they can think.  Now let’s say that you’re alone, facing a wall of rotting retirement home nurses.  Let’s assume that they see you, standing there, with a 400 round bandolier, and the Mossberg 590 over your shoulder (‘cause, ya know, you’re a badass).  Now, taking all current assumptions into consideration, how scared shitless do you think these undead waste-of-spaces are? Very scared shitless, that’s how.  Unfortunately, these are assumptions, and we all know what happens when you assume right?  You get your brain eaten by your undead grandma, that’s what.
          So let’s assume that zombies are still stupid, and they’re running at you in a giant slobbering mass.  Now you’re standing at the end of a long, thin hallway, (an ideal choke point) with your 400 round bandolier and the Mossberg 590 over your shoulder (‘cause, ya know, you’re still a badass).  Now, taking all that into consideration, how much ass do you think you can kick with a classic spread weapon, more ammunition and willpower than the Punisher and a complete lack of bubble gum?  A ton of ass, that’s how much.  Fortunately, these are facts, not assumptions, so you can sleep in peace knowing that Jimmy the Zombie is lying on the floor in a puddle of zombie blood minus everything from the waist up.
          There are few weapons that’ve appeared more often in epic zombie tales than the shotgun.  Like the fire ax, this is a must-have for any zombie survival flick.  There is nothing nearly as satisfying as watching a zombie’s head explode like a balloon of brain, blood, guts, skin, head lice, and dandruff (Imagine Scanners, except zombies).  The shotgun is definitely one of the most effective mid-range weapons for blasting the undead into tiny, tiny, tiny pieces.

          However, despite its non-negotiable, self-evident awesomeness, there are still a few minor issues with the shotgun.  The first is that it’s not a very versatile weapon.  However, what it lacks in ultimate situational potential, it sure as hell makes up for in ultimate situational epicness.  The second issue is the fact that, at the end of the day, the weapon runs on ammunition, and at the end of the day, we all know that you will run out of ammunition; this (no matter how disappointing) is an important fact of life.  But despite these small hiccups, one can’t overlook the fact that this weapon, regardless of versatility, was designed for a job, and damn, does it do its job well.

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