Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Zombie Eye: Almost Relevant Writings

Welcome to Hell, or "Zombie Eye." As it stands, it's a bi-weekly column of barely relevant stuff that has no bearing whatsoever in survival, or anything else for that matter. Just pure, clean, crystal-clear stupidity operating at its finest, churning out the randomnesses that are these Almost Relevant Writings.

Why the Zombie Apocalypse will save America (and the world):

          There are an incredible amount of things wrong with this country. Taxes, national debt, poverty, war, auto insurance, the fact that Linkin Park hasn’t released a good album since Meteora , Saturday morning cartoons going down the porcelain express ever since Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends was taken off the air, not to mention Texas. If this doesn’t prove to you that society has hit rock bottom, then watch Good Morning America every now and then and you’ll realize how deep of a hole we’re in.
So yeah, we definitely have got problems, but the answer to them all however, cannot be found in books, money, and sure as hell not in Michele Bachmann. The solution is in your local cemetery rotting away 6 feet under. A radical destabilization of the government through the means of a demonic attack of flesh hungry undead is the only way to save this nation (and the world) from running out of oil, polluting the environment, and Elton John (he’d be the first to go).

          Now I know a few of you must be thinking, “Jack, you sound like one of them no-good, dirty, Red, soviet, anarchist, atheist, terrorist-type people. What you’re saying is obviously blasphemy against this Constitution of these United States of America (which was written in the sacred blood of George Washington after he defeated the 31st Balloon Brigade of General Cornwallis). I’d bet you listen to Jimi Hendrix backwards while clutching to a satanic bible in the warmth of a burning star-spangled banner.” To which I say, “You must be the crotchety, racist neighbor I was telling everyone about. Better run to Canada while you still have the chance. Now get out of my face, you’re blocking all the heat.” We can wait for this country to fix itself, or we can wait for the apocalypse to fix it for us. Personally, I’m all for the latter; just standing here, waiting in endless defiance for the undead to repair my shoddy credit score.

          Now that I’ve insulted people who take pride in the country, people who watch cartoon network, Elton John, Good Morning America, and the entire population of Texas, and my one reader in Germany, you (if you’re still here) should head over to the Misleading Movie Hit-list, where my buddy Tommy will tear apart your childhood memories. Scratch that, Hollywood’s doing it for him.

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